Good Morning America

rise and shine America
it's time to fake and bake
what can we fake today
and bake into your brain?

did you just use a leaf blower
instead of a rake?
did you just eat pie
when you wanted cake?

bad news, sucker
that was in fact cake
i saw it on tv
you think that's pie
but your definition of pie is wrong
i know what pie is
and you don't
i studied pie in school
there's no crust
there's no fruit
and i am very sorry your parents and teachers
didn't inform you what pie is

now if you'll excuse me
it's seven o clock
and that means i don't pay attention to you anymore

dark cold room

like pirates
with the blue bayou and the cool air conditioning

time to shut out the outside world
and turn on the fans
and the strange colored lights
besides the air isn't fresh out there

look up but the ceiling isn't visible
so it doesn't exist because you can't see it
only the flickering fireflies and Plucky McBanjo

i think it needs a water feature
a fountain
a rather large fountain
because my cold dark room isn't disneyland

but i do my best
by inhaling deeply
and delving into the madness
of tamriel
in my cold dark room


icy bicycle knuckles
a tip toe through the shower

right on dwight is crispy
and then oakland

oakland kicks the ass of coffee.
ethiopian harrar.
guatemala. peru. mexico.
bica, what a delightful experience you will always be

and what amazing scenery

one day i will click my heels three times
and be magically transported
into your loving caring oakland arms

orange smelly water
turning delightfully clear
alive and well and drinking beer

bloody here
bloody there
bloody mary's everywhere!
in february


a man walks into the office supply store
he walks up to the counter
with his camera and his tablet
and begins to explain the problem

i need to get all the pictures and movies off this camera
and make sure they go onto the tablet

the man behind the counter says no problem
we can do that
it's only ten dollars

i guess i have no choice he said
but thank you so much
for making this possible
i was filled with so much fear about this issue
my mind. my body. my soul.

i wanted to make them all laugh
so i said:

I Can Do It For Only Nine Dollars
Let's Go The Parking Lot
And Have An Underground Data Transfer

you know where this is going
no, i didn't do that...
i let staples do it

in love

so you wanna fall in love?
go right ahead

sometimes there is a crush
sometimes you are head over heels

all aboard!
the love train.

fall in love with a tree
that's fine

fuck trees!
if that's your thing

what a fantastic decision
to fall in love

"this is your doctor calling
to remind you about your love appointment
please prepare accordingly
and please pay your monthly love bill on time
thank you"

if you only feel love
without doing love
does it make a sound?

isn't falling in love
a two-parter?

one part falling
the other part catching?

sure let that fucker fall down and rot there in the forest
see how far that gets ya

love can be tree-like in weight
you may need a team
of loveberjacks
that amounts to several back breaking days of hard labor

well worth it

drink me under the table

you might be able to drink me
under the table
but i will smoke you
like a j rolled by Shel Silverstein

i might not be Pearly Sweetcake
but maybe Ludwig Bongmuffin

i can't drink much
two racer fives
a few sips of bourbon
a Bloody Mary, or two
a glass of red wine
a 'manhattan'

that just isn't me on most nights

on most nights
i don't even leave the house
why bother letting you drink me
under the table
with stupid

for my dollar
nothing beats a fine Indica
puffed through a glass pipe
a marbled headie
hand blown by a lampworker

a good book
a relaxing night with the pen
a slow cooked meal
to go with some crunchy metal, hip-hop
or whatever else comes booming out my speakers

if you drive to the bar
how are you supposed to get the fuck out of there?
there are basic things about life
i just don't understand

so if you get drinked under the table
be proud
those who lack in the skill of drinking
aren't missing anything

14 year old retirement

i retired when i was 14
i had had enough

my uncle says something weird happened
we're not sure what happened to you
somewhere around the age of 14 you just really mellowed out
you became much more tolerable

my career as a hyper kid
seemed endless while it was happening
would it ever end?

right there, frozen, at 14
time stopped
and i really stopped
dead in my tracks
no longer fulfilling the prophecy of
government brainwash

the birds are singing
the sun is shining
do you know what that means?

it's time to get the fuck out of there
get in that '66 Mustang and drive
to somewhere in Los Angeles
somewhere really weird

the man will congratulate you
for your years of service
as he offers retirement
to anyone who wants it